Musings of a Wench

TMFI

Things have been... Hard lately. Nothing major, but just a pile of badness that builds to the point of when John sent me a sweet email I cried. Also, there is PMS, but still.

Partly, my body is just cranky. I strained my wrist throwing a shotput on Monday, so I can't seem to put any pressure on that wrist. Yet I can still lift weights - go figure. I sunburned my nose, badly, on Sunday at Sunshine. I didn't reapply sunscreen at lunch, and I should have, but the mountain was living up to it's name. Burning blue sky over kilometers of glowing white snow. Gorgeous beyond words. A flaming red nose to match. I've rarely sunburnt and I've never had to peel skin before. Gross.

The big one, however, is my right breast. It's growing. A lot. Quickly. Almost 2 cup sizes since December. Yes, I've been to the doctor, and she checked it out and confirmed I have the Cade Family Curse - expanding breasts. Yes, I'm serious. I'm also really upset. I figured at first it was related to the small weight gain I'd made over Christmas, so I lost some weight and got down to a size 10 pants. And the breast? Still huge. And the Morgan? Really cranky about it.
So I'm a 10 in the bottom, but a 14-16 on top. Do you know how utterly fucking impossible it is to buy dress shirts that fit? If I can get it around my chest, I'm draped in tons of unflattering extra material. If I fit it to my waist, I have buttons pop open. I can't find any store that sells a happy medium. Hell, at Jacob (which I lurve), a 13/14 is button popping territory. At Laura Plus? A 14 gave me about 6 extra inches of fabric around the chest. I look like I was playing dress up in my mother's clothes.

I even went to the fat lady stores yesterday. And you know what? I can't even buy a fucking bra there - my band size is too small. I'm a 36 E/F. With a size 10 waist. I look fat because of my chest. And that depresses me. A lot.

Plus, only one of my bras even kind of fits anymore. I buy my bras every November from a very expensive boutique that stocks my size - in November I get a 15% birthday discount, and given these bras range around $100 each, it's not something I can afford to buy often.

It's partially upsetting because I have worked very hard to get in shape. Sure, I'm no tiny dancer, but that's okay. I'm a peasant with big bones and impressive biceps. But I've lost some weight and have become way healthier. I eat less, I try to snack less, I work out 4 days a week in fitness classes (cardio and weights) at work, and then I go to the most advanced yoga class my studio offers once a week. We went boarding 10 times this season. We're about to start hiking. I do all the right things, and I still have giant expandable breasts.

My sister had her reduction surgery at 17 - she was a 34G, which is why the doctor did it. Normally they won't do it at that age, but for her there was no question. I want it done, I do, but not yet. You risk being unable to breast feed, and that's not a risk I want to take, considering we're talking kids by 30. I can wait 6 or 7 more years, can't I? I want to. The doctor has given me a referral to the plastic surgeon in Banff so I will at least go talking to her.

I have a shoulder problem on that side, and if it wasn't for the fact that I do core training for some form 5 days a week I would have the back problems too. I did, but all this exercise has helped.

But it doesn't matter. No matter how hard I work out, no matter how much I lose, I will never have breasts proportionate to my body. I just can't. Cade Family Curse, and all. Fuck. Just... fuck.

posted by Morgan @ 8:54 a.m.