Musings of a Wench

Enlightenment?

We got our "Yay Alberta" cheques last night, so that was a welcome $800. Can you say bonus mortgage payment? Plus work shoes, because it is WELL past time.

Listen, I finally just figured something out. I've been depressed for months, and didn't really notice. Which sounds retarded, I know, but it's true. Sure, I'd noticed the stress, the anxiety, the small panic attracts, the irregular heartbeat, the nascent ulcer, and so on. What I hadn't really realized is that the root of all of this is my old friend, low grade depression. I was researching earlier this week, and if I were to self diagnose (always a bad plan) I'd have to go with atypical depression, because reading through the lists is like, 'oh, you are talking about me!'. I'm obviously starting to feel better, because I can actually see this with some amount of clarity. Honestly, I think the fact that exercise classes started up last week helped. I mean, two 45 minute session of cardio mixed with weights, one 45 minute session of strippercize, one 45 minute of fitness on the ball and an hour and a half long advance yoga class a week? Can we say hello to the happy hormones. Still, reading this was like, so obvious how did I miss this? "You may not even know you have atypical depression because you feel depressed most of the time. You may try to hide your symptoms of atypical depression by working harder, going on diets, analyzing your failed relationships and staying on a rigid schedule; however, you have only covered up your atypical depression not cured it."

But I'm feeling better, I know I am. I've been feeling better enough to notice that the last few weeks have been hard. Which is progress. At least I'm pulling my head out of my ass enough to notice things. I'm also looking back at some of my behaviour over the last couple of months and being like, 'what the hell?'.

I don't think I need meds - that's not a road I am willing to go down at this point. Also, this isn't major depression - I've been there and that's different. There is no question about it when that's going on. This is different and I've been coping and I think now that I'm paying attention I can well, compensate for it. Listen, I've never been a terribly happy person and that's okay. I just need to be okay, and I think I have much better coping mechanisms than I used to. I also now exercise a lot, and I know that helps. God, that was part of what got me out of the suicidal depress at the end of grade 9 - summer swimming started back up and then I was in the water swimming five practices a week and meets on weekends. I have John, who I can and do talk about thing s like this with. I have much better friends, who will listen and be nice if I ask that of them. I am overall in a much better place in life: I like my job, really like my boss, have a lovely house, a fabulous boyfriend, good friends, I've even made two new friends (for the first time in years), functional car, enough money to be able to buy any damn groceries I want, and so on. I just have to lift myself out of this funk and stop over eating so damn much and maybe things will be better.

I mean, Cathy and Vince have been home for 10 days and I haven't had a panicky moment about them yet! (Other Grandma on the other hand... that bitch insulted me while John was blowing out the candles, saying the one left on the cake couldn't be me, that John must have another girlfriend on the side. And she wasn't joking, she sounded too hopeful and also spiteful. Bitch.) So I'll see. I feel better, I feel less like I'm trudging through life, fighting off panic and rejection at all turns.

Here's to hoping. Now I'm off to a step class.

posted by Morgan @ 10:37 a.m.