Musings of a Wench

If I was going to be honest, I would have to admit I'm afraid, but not for the normal reasons. I'm afraid of what might happen next. That's normal enough, I suppose, but it's more than that. My life is going so well, so according to plan, that I'm afraid of when it will all start to go wrong. Life is supposed to never go according to plan, but without a ton of effort on my behalf, it is. And that really, really scares me.

I have a good job that pays me a lot of money. (Okay, I'm under-stimulated at it, but who isn't?) I have a fabulous boyfriend who loves me very much, and has a good and very high paying job. We met in university, fell in love, dealt with our shit and stayed together. After graduation, we moved out of our parents houses and in to our first apartment. A year (and promotions and raises) later, we're buying our first house. In a year or two, we plan to get married, and then a while after that, we're planning on having kids. Everything is going according to my childhood life plans.

Every one else dreamed of being an astronaut or a ballet dancer. By the age of 8, I knew I wanted to graduate high school, go to university, meet a boy, graduate, work in a shiny office tower downtown, get married, buy a house, have kids, live happily and normally ever after. (For the record, my own parents did basically that, except for my dad started working from home in '82 and my mom in '91.) So far, I've basically followed along that path, just switching up the marriage and the house. And I'm happy, don't get me wrong. I like my life! I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for things to start going wrong.

For John to die in a car accident on his way home. For me to lose my job in an economic downturn. For someone in my family to get sick. To be hit by a bus no the way home. I'm afraid of the big, scary, unstoppable things. I'm very much afraid of those things so far beyond my control I can't do anything to stop them. When John's more than 20 minutes late from work, I start to worry, and I know it's irrational, and it's probably either bad traffic or he had to work late, but I still worry. Because I'm afraid this wonderful life I'm building will crumble away. I'm so used to things not turning out the way I hoped (junior high years? that's you I'm talking about...) that I'm almost afraid of things going too well.

You know, I really should deal with this fear, because it's completely irrational. At any rate, they accepted our offer of 272 on the house. Yay!

posted by Morgan @ 9:20 a.m.