Musings of a Wench

A nice year for a white wedding...

So I'm freaking out here, some what irrationally, I know. I mean, we've been out of high school for almost 8 years now. Most of us have been free from post secondary for at least a while. Some of them are established in careers. A few of us even have mortgages. So we've grown up, more or less. I guess.

So why does it freak me right out that everyone is getting engaged? J & ? got engaged on Valentine's Day. (We haven't met him yet, and I forget his name. Bad Morgan.) M & O got engaged over the New Year. E & D got engaged in December. That's like, all but one of my friends who's in a serious relationship. [I wrote most of this last week, and since then? That friend has got engaged. Seriously.]

A few weeks ago, I ran in to a school friend, who has a grade ahead of me, so he's 26 or 27. He was with his very pregnant 20 year old wife, who seemed really nice. I think. I was pretty busy mentally hyperventilating about M.C. having a human child. Eek. Just saying that freaks me out a little. Part of the problem is that I still feel about 15 most of the time. The pretty severe depression I've been trying to swim out of really doesn't help the maturity thing. 15 year olds aren't ready for marriage!

Listen, it's not commitment phobia. Not exactly. I've been with John for more than 5 years. We've lived together for more than 2 and a half. Heck, we bought a house about this time of year two years ago. I have no real doubts about our future together - a future I want. The marriage and the kids and the growing old and nerdy together. All that. Just... not quite yet. We're too young! I don't know. Maybe it's just the depression that's screwing up my perspective. Most of these people will turn 25 or 26 this year - not exactly children by global standards. Maybe it's that at least a third of the books and stuff that I read seems to be set in New York, where "everyone" seems to get married in their late 30s. "Most" people in Calgary seem to have kids between their late 20s and early 30s, so this is more or less on target for the average, sweeping generalization that I just made, which is mainly based on the middle class corporate people I work with and know. So normal for my demographic, I guess.

[insert time passing, as I really am having trouble with how to verbalize all this] I know some people will jump to the conclusion that it's because i have doubts about John. That's not it, I can assure you. I could see if he had doubts about me (depression is currently coupled with self loathing and bitchy behaviour), but I don't think that's it. I am pretty sure it's some rather ridiculous denial about growing up.

Also, at this point? We totally can't do it. I mean, there will already be 4 weddings next year. As John said in an email yesterday, "part of me wants to join the boat so we're not _that_ couple, but part of me is like 'shut up you sheep, where's the spotlight if you're the pre-reserved wedding for the month of july in between d's june and l's august or whatever.' i'm still a bit of an attention whore and i don't want to get on this train quite yet." Plus, we're close but not quite done paying off his parents the money they loaned up for the house. Refuse to do anything until that's done. Hard to be saving/paying for a wedding at the same time we pay $1000/month to them. So that's my reasons. I'm a little calmer now then when I started this. As in, I think I'll be okay when the eventual time comes, and that I am okay with the time not being now. So what if the other couples have only been together for 4 months through less than 2 years, and we've been together for 5? It works for us, and we're both happy, so that's enough. That's more than enough.

Labels: grown ups, life, marriage, the boy

posted by Morgan @ 11:55 a.m.