Musings of a Wench

One thing you can never say is that I don't try

I am not a graceful, coordinated woman. At all. By any stretch. Even if you use your imagination. And god knows, it's not from lack of trying. Before I explain my latest, let me give you a list of all the sports and fitness things and such that I have done, so you have an idea about what I'm actually like. (Ie, interested but sadly hopeless.)

• Gymnastics, first three badges. Quit because I couldn't manage a headstand, ever.
• T-ball, one summer.
• Soccer, 2-3 years. being 10 and growing breasts and being expected to bounce the ball off my chest was kind of a deal breaker. That, and I even sucked at defense.
• Figure skating, 12 years. That includes Can-Skate, figure skating, and precision skating, which was my favourite. I was awful. I can't jump, my spins were wobbly, and my hamstrings were too tight for a good spiral. You notice that I tried for a long, long time though. I did once get a leadership award because I would play with the kids instead of practicing because it was way more fun, and I was all about the fun.
• Dance, 1 session. They didn't give my parents the brochure for the next session and my parents took the hint. I was maybe 5.
• Swimming, 10 years. 5 day a week, 4 months a year, meets every Saturday. I was bad. Bottom 5 aggregate placing every time for all those years. Thankfully, I stuck in it until I was 18 and finally got a gold medal at the Hanna meet because I was the only one who swam 4 events that day. I didn't care - I had that medal on my light for ages. Plus, of course, full swim lessons. Heck, I got my life guard certification.
• Fencing, 2 years. Killer shinsplints did me in. Too bad, because it was a ton of fun. Also, I was naturally slightly less hopeless at that than at other things.
• Diving, 2 years. I cannot do a fucking somersault if my life depended on it. So fucking embarrassing, as your Olympian coach tries to help you through it, and there is just no way. I could even manage inwards on occasion, but a simple flip? Sigh. That's why I quit, in the end. Sheer embarrassment and humiliation. Sure did love doing fall-ins off the 3 meter though.
• Fitness classes, mainly at work. Cardio classes and weightlifting classes. Plus 6 weeks of weightlifting in high school, from one of the swim moms working on certification. I don't have any particularly strong feeling about these - I do them because they are good for me and I don't have to think about them too much. I do hate step, though. Fucking step.
• Skiing. 5 days in grades 4, 5 and 6. One day in grade 7. One day last winter. Yesterday night. I have to say, I'm pleased I did so well, even occasionally managing parallel turns at COP last night. (COP is the in city ski hill for beginners, but my company rented it, so we went, and I tried skiing. It was okay.)
• Snowboarding, 4 years and counting. It sure is harder to learn (see learning how to fall without bouncing painfully, how to stand, how to turn backwards, how to flail down a black mogul run), but I like it better. Also, we get some wicked snow on some great mountains out here. But man, did I suck trying to learn this.
• Cross country. 1 day in grade 7, one day this winter. I may have cried the whole way down my first down hill stretch. Those skis! Are so long! And hard to maneuver! And really hard to stop! Plus, those confounding poles! Yeah, learning curve. Got much better, though.
• Pilates classes, occasionally. 2 months here, 3 months there. I'm strong, so enjoy them. I may be overweight, but I have killer core strength.
• Yoga, 7 years and counting. Hatha, Ashtanga, Bikram, Iyengar. Iyengar is my favourite. Bikram, done at insanely high temperatures and with endless repetition of the same asanas in the same order was not the thing for me. Ashtanga is too much like aerobics. I like aerobics. I like yoga. I just don't want them to be the same. Hatha is what I took in university. Iyengar is what I to now, and I adore it. It's the one that is based on perfecting the poses, and uses lots of props, and every single class is different. Currently, I'm taking critical alignment classes, which really focus on the spine, and all the tiny muscles that run along it. Challenging work, but I love the class and Kate's a great instructor. Plus, headstands. Still hate shouldstands, though. It took my three years to touch my toes. Now I can wrap my hands under my feet while I stand. Slow progress, but I'm getting there. Well, getting better, at any rate. There really isn't a destination.

So know that you've skimmed that long list, we can all agree that despite my total lack of grace and physical ease, at least it doesn't come from lack of trying. Heck, currently, I do pilates at lunch on Monday, cardio on Tuesday lunch and dance at night, cardio on Thursday at lunch and yoga at night, and Diva to the Core on the Fridays that we work. Plus all the skiing/boarding John can convince me to do. So I am physically active. (Which makes the fact that I cannot lose weight all the more annoying.)

On Tuesday nights, I do pole dancing. Yes. Brass pole, Marvin Gaye in the background, the whole bit. And I love it. I leave in such a good mood, with such a buzz. I'm surrounded, it feels, by all these 100 pound women who figure things out effortlessly. Which isn't true, exactly, but it feels that way. Any way, we were learning a new move last week, the ballerina. Which involves a push-pull hand grip; one hand pull you up from the top, the other hand as far down as you can reach, pushing you away from the pole. It's hard, and awkward, as you're pretty much holding your whole body with the top hand. Did I mention the pole? Is smooth? And my hand? Becomes slick every other spin because I sweat when I'm nervous? (And I have had wrist problems in the past, and am still getting my strength back.) And then you spin. No, and then they spin. I fall. On my knees. Over and over and over again. It's a charming shade of purple, know with green and black shades, about the size of my fist. Plus, I somehow cut my leg, and bruised the other foot. I refuse to let this thing beat me. I've been practicing, and have pulled it off a few times at home, but not consistently. But I will manage. Somehow. (I have to! In level three, you use just the top hand and hold the ankle with the lower one.) Just not, you know, gracefully.

Labels: body, life

posted by Morgan @ 9:51 a.m.