God, this AGAIN?
Whoo! On a whim, i pulled off my glasses and did my first totally unsupported head stand, right in my home office, on the blue green shag carpet. I've been doing yoga for +8 years, and working on the headstand for easily 3 years. I've been doing wall supported ones until early this year, when I have been managing to do them unsupported, but with a wall right there in case - and I've needed it. (Five minute headstand? Yeah, slipping off balance is quite likely. A foot tap to the wall and back up, but still. Knowing that you can't flip over forward is comforting.) So I just did it! Just, you know, because.Yoga is great. It's one of the few areas of my life that has defined progress. I mean, when I started, I couldn't touch my toes. Too many years of competitive swimming as a kid made for super tight hamstrings. Now? Well. Now I can wrap my hands under my feet without even warming up. And, of course, do headstands, handstands, crazy back bridges, strange balancing poses, and so much more. Love.
And yet. I fight with this body so much. I fight my love of exercise with my love of food. I struggle with my weight, with my body, with my self image. According to my BMI, (a system I call TOTAL BULLSHIT on), I'm obese. I've lost 5 pounds recently, and am still obese. I wear a size 10-12 pants, and like, 14 or more on top, due to the Boobs. I work out on average of 7 times a week. I do cardio and weights at work, yoga and meditation in the evenings and on my Fridays off, and go to the gym with Erin on weekends. I hike, snowboard and cross country ski. My body is strong and powerful, and while I may carry too much fat around my torso, you should see my arms. Ripped. I do not muscle like a girl. I just don't. That one summer I worked for the city, setting up 20 foot tents for the city, I had 17 inch biceps - 17 inches of solid muscle arms. Most women can't do that with steroids. I work with a woman who is the international gold medal winner or whatever in power lifting. Her arms are like, half of mine. (She could kick my ass in a second - that's not the point. And she's totally not on steroids. The point is I am bulky muscled in a way that most women can't ever be.) I was in class earlier this week, doing lunges or leg lifts or something, and I was watching the muscles on my legs ripple as I worked.
I am strong. I am fit. I am fat, by some fairly arbitrary standard. Some meaningless number that has no bearing on how I feel, or how I live my life. With John I climb mountains. I am neither defined nor particularly limited by my adipose tissue. I eat fairly healthily, and my doctor has made no complaint about my weight. (Actually, I don't have that much of a choice. My body rejects most daily and fatty food and pretty much everything greasy. Pizza is my personal digestive enemy.) My cholesterol and blood pressure are perfect.
So why do I feel the need to say this over and over to myself? Why do I beat myself up that my attempts to lose weight are far slower than I want? Why do I obsess about something so fucking inane? I mean, my weight? Can I be more cliché? Why not focus on my anxiety about the wedding (not the marriage), or the whole he's-been-extended-to-December making 2008 the year of Home Alone, or my inability to keep this too-large-for-one-person-house clean? Or plan my trip at the end of the month for Dubai and Oman? I mean, why not spend my mental energy in a place where it might do me some good? Or at least go do another dozen kick ass yoga poses until I feel good about this body of mine?
Yeah. That's a good plan. Eka Pada Urdhva Dhanurasana it is.
posted by Morgan @ 9:32 p.m.
2 Comments:
Oohh....I've been struggling with the numbers too. My weight is better than it's been in more than a decade, I exercise five days a week and I am still considered overweight by BMI standards. My doctor recently told me, however, that BMI is somewhat meaningless as a hard-and-fast guideline because most people can be within 10-20 pounds of their upper-limit and still be perfectly healthy. So yeah...no real advice here except give yourself a big hug for all the hard work you're doing...and for holding it together while your man is overseas...and all the other more important things going on right now... *mwah!*
The BMI *is* a bullshit system, especially if you're using it alone. Health-wise, the newest standard is waist circumference. The cutoff for increased risk for cardiovascular disease (because that's why we're ACTUALLY concerned about obesity) is 88 cm (30 inches) for females and 102 cm (40 inches) for males.
At the same time, based on the level of activity you seem to be doing, you seem to be doing great! Don't stress too much for the numbers, that's probably bad for you.
Post a Comment
<< Home