Change
I'm really bad at change, like a lot of people. I'm bad with life change, with change of plans, with uncertainty. I don't like doing new things, meeting new people, having to call strangers. These are not thing I am good at. Or enjoy.I mean, it's so bad. I had to call the pharmacy to see if my prescription had come in, and that made the breath freeze in my chest. It's like that for everything I do. (Yes, I do have an anxiety problem, what's your point?)
So what do I do about it? (Other than take deep breaths and get stuff over with as fast as I can, once I FINALLY stop stalling?) I just... do it. I force myself to walk across the street and introduce my self to the new neighbours (which shouldn’t cause anxiety but does). I call the pharmacy and ask my question. I sign up for weekend long yoga workshops on my own. (I hate doing yoga with friends - that's a far too ME space.) I eat the occasional dinner by myself in a restaurant (though that one only because John's away - normally we eat together). I would go to a movie by myself if there was something I actually wanted to see and no one was available (I've done it before). I did a glass blowing weekend workshop a few weekends ago and it was AWESOME. (I made 5 paperweights, a glass, and a black Christmas ornament.) I am a solitary person by nature - I need a lot of alone time, a lot of book time.
I am fine with all this stuff, but it makes me so dam anxious. I have no idea why - it's not like I expected that, oh, I don't know, the pharmacist is going to yell at me, or everyone in the glass class hate me. Nothing like that. I just... you know... get anxious. Really anxious. About doing new things, about things out of the ordinary. So i keep doing it. I mean, I'm obstinate that way. But... will it ever get easier?
Labels: grown ups, identity, solo year, twisty
posted by Morgan @ 12:07 p.m.
2 Comments:
Oh man -- I identify with those feelings quite strongly. I've gotten much better at those things over the years, to the point where I experience very little anxiety when calling strangers for official reasons now. I'm able to think to myself "I'm playing the part of someone who has every right to take care of this official business...an efficient, confident person." But when I do get anxious, if I really think hard about it, the reason I'm usually scared is that on some level I am afraid I will be shamed. Maybe I'm afraid of being shamed because I'll look stupid for not knowing something, or maybe I'm afraid of being shamed because I'm afraid I've made a mistake, or maybe I'm afraid of being shamed simply because I fear I won't fit in with the people I'll come in contact with. But simply identifying that it's shame I'm so afraid of actually helps me conquer it a little. Not that I don't dread feeling like that anymore, but that I at least know what it is I dread -- and I can identify the ways in which I might avoid feeling it. If, for instance, I'm afraid I don't have enough information, I might want to read up on what this process entails first. If I'm afraid I've made a mistake, I might want to rehearse ways of admitting that before I pick up the phone. It actually helps. Anyway -- long comment!
I could have written parts of this entry. I don't know if it gets better but I think it definitely helps if you don't let it get the better of you - which you are obviously doing. When I moved back to Calgary I went through a terrible anxiety/depression phase and what helped me was to force myself to get a job a Starbucks and talk to people everyday - otherwise I wouldn't leave my apartment. I would even have panic attacks on the way to work if I thought someone on the street was going to talk to me. I still get nervous and sweaty when confronted with uncomfortable situations but I have learned to deal with it (and yes, breathing helps). Another thing that has helped was the realization that everyone is so obsessed with their own problems they rarely think about anyone else - when I tell people that I have/had anxiety problems they are usually shocked and say things like 'but you always seem so confident' etc which makes me laugh because that is usually the last thing I think I am projecting. Don't know if that helps but it is how I deal with it.
*melanie from www.meli-mello.com
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