Musings of a Wench

I would like to feel something else, please.

It is astonishing about now, in the midst of a frantically busy month, at the end of a fabulous and busy weekend, at the end of a day that had4 different events involving more than a dozen different people, days before John arrives for a vacation, that i can be just so SWAMPED by the Sunday weepies, even still.

I stay so busy that I can't function. Fucking vacuuming - I've stalled for like, 6 months and really should before John gets home Wednesday. I have plans and activities, I keep busy. And yet, I'm sitting here, listening to Matt Good sing to me of sorrow and rage, weeping. Again.


I'm out 4-5 nights a week, these days. I barely come home to check the mail, it seems. I stay so busy, and let I'm still here on Sunday night, weeping. I can't stay busy enough - no matter what I try, I still end up here almost every Sunday, waiting for the hours to slip by, waiting for the bright respite of a new week. Someone asked me at the bachelorette on Saturday how I've been coping, seeing it's been 8 months already - they remarked at how well I was doing. At least 3 martinis in, I told the truth, and they seemed shocked. I guess I seem to keep it together. (Then again, this same woman thought that I was Erin's sweet and nice friend - which set of hysterical laughter from those who know me well. I'm not that girl, but I guess you can fool some of the people all the time.) But I'm not fine. I stay busy - so busy. Even in some ways busy in what probably are bad. But I'm out and I'm moving and I can't slow down unti lSunday evening, and here I am. Again and again.

One weekend, after having a panic attack in slow motion for the entire day (I went to the mall for shampoo because you can't lose it in public), I came home and drank an entire bottle of wine with dinner. Sliding myself out of my skull into a puddle on the carpet was the only way I could think of to stop it - it was not in any way healthy but it worked.

Every other day is fine. Every other day is full. Yet, today, as I got in the car after event 4 and pulled on to the highway, I could feel it start.

No matter how much time I spend with people I love, I am so lonely. It's been 8 months, you guys. 6 months to go. When does his absence stop feeling like I've been kicked in the chest?

He's home in 3 sleeps, you guys. 3 sleeps and I still miss him so much it hurts.

That's what it is, in part. (I'm thinking through my fingers here.) It's one thing to have foreign vacations in far away lands - it's another thing to have him home in OUR BED for just two weeks. I've partially got so used to his absence that it's only a phantom limb, most of the time. But this? The sheets will still smell like him - I'll have laundry of his to do when he's gone. I've been doing pretty good at building a pseudo single life here for the last 240ish days. And then he's going to he back, to be here, and then he will leave again, and that's, I guess, the part of this that's killing me. It won't be enough - of course it won't. He'll leave, and there will still be 185 days more to go.

Enough, Morgan. This is not helping. Go do the fucking vacuuming. Enough. enough.

Labels: life, solo year, the boy, twisty, vacation

posted by Morgan @ 8:32 p.m. 4 comments

Change

I'm really bad at change, like a lot of people. I'm bad with life change, with change of plans, with uncertainty. I don't like doing new things, meeting new people, having to call strangers. These are not thing I am good at. Or enjoy.

I mean, it's so bad. I had to call the pharmacy to see if my prescription had come in, and that made the breath freeze in my chest. It's like that for everything I do. (Yes, I do have an anxiety problem, what's your point?)

So what do I do about it? (Other than take deep breaths and get stuff over with as fast as I can, once I FINALLY stop stalling?) I just... do it. I force myself to walk across the street and introduce my self to the new neighbours (which shouldn’t cause anxiety but does). I call the pharmacy and ask my question. I sign up for weekend long yoga workshops on my own. (I hate doing yoga with friends - that's a far too ME space.) I eat the occasional dinner by myself in a restaurant (though that one only because John's away - normally we eat together). I would go to a movie by myself if there was something I actually wanted to see and no one was available (I've done it before). I did a glass blowing weekend workshop a few weekends ago and it was AWESOME. (I made 5 paperweights, a glass, and a black Christmas ornament.) I am a solitary person by nature - I need a lot of alone time, a lot of book time.

I am fine with all this stuff, but it makes me so dam anxious. I have no idea why - it's not like I expected that, oh, I don't know, the pharmacist is going to yell at me, or everyone in the glass class hate me. Nothing like that. I just... you know... get anxious. Really anxious. About doing new things, about things out of the ordinary. So i keep doing it. I mean, I'm obstinate that way. But... will it ever get easier?

Labels: grown ups, identity, solo year, twisty

posted by Morgan @ 12:07 p.m. 2 comments

I'm totally dancing around the living room, too

It's Saturday night, and I'm home alone for a change. (This week alone I've been out for dinner three times, seen a movie and a concert, been to both a yoga class and a mediation class, and still have a trip to the theatre and an all day cross country ski trip left in the long week.) I made an excellent dinner - a chicken (bacon) tomato wine stew over a handful of overpriced coloured pasta. I've finishing the bottle of wine that was opened to go into the stew. I've read pretty much the entire Offbeat Bride book and Winamp is playing good music. I had a massage this morning followed by several enjoyable hours spent hanging out with John's English grandma, and I got a bunch of cleaning done. (Draino!).

I'm drunk and happy and keep looking up from the book (which is awesome and is one of the things that is making me feel a shitload better about this whole wedding extravaganza thing, along with the therapy I started yesterday) and life is good.

ABout all I am missing is the boy in my bed and life would be pretty much fucking perfect. As it is, I booked my flight on Thursday, and in 6 short weeks I'll be back in the Middle East with the one I love best.

It's not perfect - nothing ever is. But right this second? Life is pretty fucking good.

Labels: drunk, food, solo year, the boy, wedding

posted by Morgan @ 10:26 p.m. 0 comments

Dear certain tackless people,

So a lot of (rather thoughtless) people have told me that they don't know how I can stand to be apart from John for so long. Well, yes, it is hard, thanks for pointing that out to me. *shrug* Let's talk some more about how hard it is for me, and how you couldn't bear to be apart from your husband. Thanks.

But seriously, it is hard, and we will get through this. He had to go - it really is as simple as that. And at the time, we decided that this was going to be the best opportunity. I mean, for his career he has to spend a year in the field eventually, and as we said over the summer, now is a good time. We're not married, we don't have small children, at the time we weren't planning a wedding... Better to get it over and done with, and Saudi = way cooler than Fort Mac. So it was the right thing, the best option, and of COURSE it sucks. I mean, duh. So please stop pointing it out to me, in case I hadn't noticed. In case waking up in the middle of the night to a sudden noise (real or dreamed, I don't know) so afraid that someone was in the house that I couldn't feel my hands didn't make it clear how nice someone else would be to have around. You know, to fight off the mythical Bad Guys. Or when I'm having a bad day and want to be cosseted. Or when it's -47 with wind chill and I can't get the bed to warm up enough to sleep. I know it sucks, I know it probably so much better than you do. So please stop mentioning it, and please stop making it sound like I must Love Him Less because I Let Him Go, okay? I'm being a grownup here, and that means compromise and sacrifice sometimes. So basically, I guess what I'm saying? Is fuck off.

However! There is always a silver lining, and in that case, it's that next month I'm off to meet up with him in Dubai, were we will spend a few days before catching a bus to Muscat, the capital of Oman, where we will spent the rest of our trip. It will be early summer, so probably nice enough to splash in the ocean, or maybe even go snorkeling. Oman seems to be the prettiest part of the Middle East - just look! So there - not a bad silver lining, especially when you realize that his company picks up my flight tab.

Best passport year ever.

Labels: grown ups, hostility, solo year, the boy, vacation

posted by Morgan @ 4:10 p.m. 0 comments

You wouldn't belive how many passport stamps this resulted in

Oh, internet, there's so much to tell you! January was a whirlwind. 30 odd hours to get to the middle east, and 30 odd back, though I ended up having to stay away for 45 hours, a personal record, and man but did that fuck me up a little. I'm pretty sure I can blame this cold solely on it. Well, that, or that it's -30 outside, and wind chill this morning came in at -47. (-22 and -53, in American.)

So. I trip through 3 and a bit countries (an desert adventure that veered us over Qatar's border into either Saudi or UAE, depending on who's map you would like to believe). Two stopovers in London, a few days in Bahrain, a several days in Qatar, and then a few more in Bahrain.

Camels. Men in thobes and head scarves. Women all in black, some with veils. Souqs and markets. The Largest Mall in the Middle East, for comparison. (And bowling. What they don't tell you is that the Middle East is actually really, really boring.) A landrover trying it's best to defy sideways gravity and inertia. Kilometer after kilometer walked. Rain and cold. (No desert heat to be found.) And then some more walking. Goofy things purchased at various souqs, like the Russian stacking dolls: a man as the big one, and his four wives inside. And a singing plush camel. A handful of brass camels. Tea from Harrods in London. A pearl pendant from Bahrain - the island of the pearl. Long walk through a museum, and mutual agreement that pottery shards = boring, and that a recreated 19th century souq with sound effects = awesome.

A small handful of pictures are up on flickr. We couldn't take too many - can't photograph people, hard to photograph anything in the street. So there are maybe 500 pictures, 200+ taken the day in the Qatar desert. Because baby camels? Cutest fucking thing that you've never seen.

Oh, yes. One more little thing came out of this trip:

Labels: marriage, solo year, the boy, vacation

posted by Morgan @ 6:01 p.m. 4 comments

Good thing I slept all vacation

Man, I am so tired I don't know how I'm going to get to work tomorrow. Saturday night, at the resort in the Dominican Republic, I ate something that really didn't agree with me, so I didn't get to sleep until after 3:00 am, then woke by 9:30am. So that's 7 hours. Sunday night - we got back to town at 2am, and it wasn't till 3:30 am that I was in bed, and I woke at 6:30 am to go be sick some more and couldn't get beck to sleeo before I had to wake at 7:00 am for work. So that takes us to 10 hours. I had a one hour nap after work, so that's 11. Monday night, New Year's, we stayed up accidentally until 6:00 am, and I woke at 10:00 because the bedroom I was in didn't have curtains and I couldn't sleep through the light, so that takes me to 15 hours. 15 hours in the last 4 days. I personally prefer at least 7 on a week night, and 10 or more on a weekend if I can.

Probably explains why I feel like shit today, eh?

Wishing I had time to nap, but have the big family New Year's Day function, and have to make some food, and should probably start to empty the suitcases that are sprawled all over my floor. After all, I have to be packed completely for the next trip in 9 days.



New Year's Eve is lonely when you don't have someone to kiss when the fireworks go off.

Labels: body, grown ups, holidailies, solo year, vacation

posted by Morgan @ 3:21 p.m. 0 comments

2007 in Review

I did this last year too. I like these - it makes for interesting perspective.

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Supported my partner fleeing the country for a year. Got mildly addicted to exercise. Figured out that exercise makes my depression lift more easily. Joined a gym. Took part in a psych study. Took a university night class. Booked my first flight out of this hemisphere. Paid off all our debts (excepting of course the mortgage, but making huge headways on that as well).

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn’t make New Year’s resolutions last year, I made a 25 in 25 list, and did very well on it. I plan to (belatedly) do a 26 in 26 list.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Darren’s sister did – he’s an adorable baby. The soft spot on his head freaked John out a lot.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully, no.

5. What countries did you visit?
The States (Idaho, Utah, Wyoming and Montana) and the Dominican Republic.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Less grief. No stupid drama. No family vacations. *grin* No fucking mice in the house.

7. What date(s) from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
October 13^th – the day John left.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Coping with the above with far more composure than anyone expected – myself included.

9. What was your biggest failure?
You know, that’s a tough one. I don’t think I really failed at anything this year. I mean, I haven’t been a total success or anything, but to me, to have failed carries a tone of not doing my best. I mean, I failed to learn to do an upside down flip called the helicopter at my pole dancing class, but I tried really hard. I bruised ribs, feet, ass, hip bone, and tail bone. Eventually I quit trying to do it, but I don’t really care. I tried my best, and it didn’t work. *shrug* I don’t feel bad about it. It just is – I can’t do that move – my weight distribution in my body is wrong for it, and I don’t care. I could do other stuff.

I failed at all sorts of things this year, like keep the house clean like a good little Martha would. But I don’t feel that I particularly failed at anything. On the whole, I gave things my best shot. And that’s good enough.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
We discovered that the constant colds and infections and feeling like crap was all based on a cat allergy gone out of control. No more visits to the in-laws, where the cat lives, no more being sick. (Okay, I’ve had a cold or two, but NOTHING like before.) I think I may have given myself another mild concussion. I have got to stop doing that.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
(I’m hoping) my flight to see John in the January. Otherwise, probably all the yoga 20 class passes.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Mine, dammit. My boyfriend of six years goes to the Middle East, and on the whole, I keep my shit together and don’t get depressed. I’m proud of myself, even if no one else is.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Okay, listen, I just got back from a seven day vacation with my parents and adult sister. That’s a hell of a loaded question.

Also, ***** for being an absolutely insane jerk about something so pathetically trivial – a reaction that will essentially taint our relationship for the rest of our lives.

14. Where did most of your money go?
The mortgage. Followed by vacations. Followed by groceries. Followed by a lovely piece of art.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
All the travel I’m getting to do.

Also, paying off all the money we owed John’s parents.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2007?
Jeremy Fisher – High School. Heard him at the Folk Fest this summer. I can listen to it over and over and over.

Wolf Parade – I’ll Believe Anything. Bought the album before the road trip this summer. Blasted the thing at loud volume while driving through America with a window open (because our little old car has a non functioning air conditioning system, and it was 100oF outside) and just feeling it.

Raine Maida – Yellow Brick Road. I like the version that’s on the radio, but we say him perform it in February, and it just blew both of us away.

Snow Patrol – pretty much the entire Eyes Open album. Love.

The Killers – Sam’s Town album. Awesome road trip music, blasting away, sometimes rolling up a window so that we can sing along with the lyrics.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. Happier or sadder? This time last year I was depressed. So I’m happier than that, but I’m also really lonely. It’s a draw, I think.
ii. Thinner or fatter? About the same weight – but far more ripped muscles.
iii. Richer or poorer? Richer. That is, when they actually remember to pay John.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Laugh. Go to live theatre. Stood up for myself.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Complain. Cry. Whine. Feel sad. Feel self loathing.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
In the Dominican Republic, without the love of my life, with my parents and sister. Drinking pina coladas, relaxing around the pool and getting a tan. Very relaxing.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
I am in love.

22. How many one-night stands?
None. But I am about to fly 11,268km for a booty call, so that’s got to earn me some trashy points.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Heroes. Doctor Who. House. Grey’s Anatomy. Corner Gas. Little Mosque on the Prairies.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No, I try not to hate anyone. I may loathe certain people extra much though.

25. What was the best book you read?
I’ve read around 183 books this year. Many were very good.

26. What were your greatest musical discoveries?
Wolf Parade. Jeremy Fisher. Final Fantasy. Silver Sun Pickups. Feist. Plain White Ts. I bought more cds this year at full price than I have in pretty much the rest of my life put together. Yay having a job.

27. What did you want and get?
Vacations. Love. Solid friendship. The confidence to strut my overweight ass around in short shorts and hooker heels and feel sexy doing it.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
I really enjoyed Enchanted, The Bourne Identity, My Little Sunshine, and a few others.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 26. My parents took me out for Indian food at the Taj Mahal restaurant. A few days early I invited friends over and roasted my first turkey, and made them bring me food, potluck style.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Having John here for all of it. Also, not having the stupid drama with his father. Though if John had stayed, that never would have happened…

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Jeans are good. And I have enormous breasts that make shopping for clothes hard and really frustrating. I did start layering t-shirts…

32. What kept you sane?
John. Books. Strongbow. Gin. The promise of vacations.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Oh, let’s go with the perennial favorite Colin Firth.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Not much this year. Pretty quiet on the Canadian front. Our civic election didn’t result in many surprises.

35. Who did you miss?
John. God, am I repetitive enough yet?

36. Who was the best new person you met?
Trisha, though work. Look, I’m making a new friend! How unlike me.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
You are stronger than you think.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

If I knew now what I knew then, I’d
Back up do it all again, I’d
Take a bow, take it real slow
Take a ride down the yellow brick road

Raine Maida - Yellow Brick Road

Also:

Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Give me your eyes
I need sunshine
Your blood
Your bones
Your voice
and your ghost

We've both been very brave
Walk around with both legs
Fight the scary day
We both pull the tricks out of our sleeves

Wolf Parade – I’ll Believe Anything

Labels: 25 in 25, body, boredom, family, holidailies, identity, meme, solo year, the boy, twisty, vacation, writing

posted by Morgan @ 1:44 p.m. 0 comments

I'm ba-ck!

And thank god for that, too. 7 days of 24-7 with your parents and adult (but only in the technical sense) is just too much. By yesterday, we all loathed each other. About par for the course, I'd say. It did remind all of us why it's been 9 years since the last time we did this.

But that's okay. The Dominican Republic was a lovely way to avoid Christmas. The beach was nice, the sun was great, I read 8 books, ate a ton of fresh fruit (oh, pineapple, how I love thee), went snorkeling, drink pina coladas constantly, relaxed, slept late, played cars, got a tour of Santo Domingo, didn't have to deal with the mess of families that Christmas around here is, got a nice tan, and got to be in a whole new country.

So all in all, a lovely trip. I'm glad I went, and am so, so, so glad to be home.

Well, almost home. I'm going to a friend's house for a New Year's party, and so won't be in my own bed for another night, but what the hell - internet access and the ability to flush toilet paper down the toilet? Life is good.

Labels: family, holidailies, solo year, vacation

posted by Morgan @ 9:52 a.m. 1 comments

The MSN conversation snipit that sums up what's going on

John says:
you were saying you couldn't read the money thing... what's wrong?
Wench says:
eh - just totally, completely overwhelmed
John says:
by what? - and don't say "everything"
Wench says:
christmas. the house. cleaning. planning our trip. planning the trip this week. gifts. realizing the mouse had gotten in to the drawer under the sink and realizing I have to wash all of it in the hottest water I can stand. cleaning the house. buying you presents. figuring out what the appropriate level of gifts for people at work.
Wench says:
tidying the house. cleaning the house. remembering to pay the bills. figuring out what happened to the present from you. doctor's appointment. finishing the perishables. getting something in the mail for you, to test out the address. watering the plants. putting away the laundry. doing the christmas cards.
Wench says:
everything.

Yeah, I'm feeling more than a little overwhelmed. Which explains, I guess, the sobby little freak out I had when I got home from work today. A Strongbow and a half later, and multiple hours of cleaning, tiding, present finishing, and bill paying later, I feel much calmer. Still, you know, freaking out a little. But calmer. I'll pay the extra library fines for the dvd I'm not going to get back today. I did book the doctor's appointment, and the presents for work are enough - have to be enough. I've run out of time and, clearly, energy. (Home made marshmallows in two flavours, plus made-by-me hot chocolate mix, plus chocolate dipped candycanes to stir. Good enough, I hope. Too late if it's not, I guess.)

And still, I want to crawl in to my bed, pull the covers over my head, cry a little more, and slip off to sleep wrapped in the gentle haze of good cider.

4 sleeps until the beach...

Labels: consumerism, holidailies, solo year, twisty, vacation

posted by Morgan @ 9:52 p.m. 0 comments

Better than television

I saw Tom Jackson perform in his Singing for Supper event tonight. That man's voice! It's like honey running over gravel. He shook my hand. I was with my friend Nathan and his parents, and they managed to get us front row seats, so when he did the slow walk down the front row, shaking hands and singing, I got to shake back.

The highlight of my day, for sure.

Labels: holidailies, solo year

posted by Morgan @ 10:31 p.m. 0 comments

A gift

Our six year anniversary and my birthday are 3 days apart. (Wednesday and Saturday, this year.) On Monday morning, at work, I got an email saying there was a gift for me - I thought it was going to be a gift basket from a local bar I organize corporate functions at. How delightfully wrong I was!

At the time of this photo, the flowers had spent a week on my desk already, and still look lovely.


(The Tupperware bins - after the whole mouse in the house debacle, I moved everything that might be of interest to mice (and hadn't been yet) in to the containers. I really should put them away already.)

Labels: holidailies, house, solo year, the boy

posted by Morgan @ 8:03 p.m. 0 comments

Twitch

Every once and a while I get jumpy, alone in this house.

Today was one of those days. As I check the mail box, I found a cigarette stub, on the corner of the deck and the two stairs. Long extinguished, but, you know, there. Unexplained. (Probably the mailman, but still.) So that made me a little jumpy anyway.

Then, 15 minutes later, I've unpacked my bag, dealt with some stuff. It's late - I didn't get home until after 8, and really dark out. I've made a pot of jasmine tea, wrapped the presents for my mom's birthday tomorrow, and am about to settle down to watch About a Boy and work on my obscene cross stitch.

Suddenly, a slam comes from the room behind me - for all the world like a door slamming shut. I freeze, feeling my blood turn to ice. I creep back in to the kitchen, already prepared to lose my mind.

My backpack had slipped off the counter, and, still having contained a journal, 2 books and some tupperware, slammed in to the floor with the crash.

My face was tingly numbed and I was shaking so hard I couldn't cross stitch for a good fifteen minutes more.

Oh yeah, I'm coping with this just fine.

Labels: holidailies, house, solo year, twisty

posted by Morgan @ 10:04 p.m. 1 comments

A lame list

Things I have managed to capably do on my own, with out much stress:
Cooking
Doing the laundry
Paying the bills
Reading many books
Weekly grocery shopping

Things I am moderately on top off (though wish he was here to deal with):
Cleaning floors
Keeping busy
Doing the dishes
Keeping the house clean

Things I am not quite doing as well as I should:
Watering the 26 plants in the house
Opening all the mail
Getting the library books back on time
Keeping the house tidy


Things I am totally failing at:
Dealing with those two (now deceased) mice
Warming the bed in a timely manner
Taking the recycling to the depot
Getting in to the Christmas spirit

Labels: holidailies, solo year

posted by Morgan @ 11:02 p.m. 0 comments

Leaving on a jet plane

Labels: grown ups, holidailies, solo year, the boy, vacation

posted by Morgan @ 3:38 p.m. 1 comments

Come on - you know you want to eat fried bread

My only comment on this day, which on the whole, had not been great and I really, really have to work on my temper, among other things, is:

Yes, you can use spiced ground beef to fill stuffed and pan fried parathas (Indian bread) and it is really, really good.

I just wish he'd have been here to share them with.

To make the dough, mix 1 cup of durum flour with 1/2 cup of water. Mix well and then knead. Put back in the bowl, sprinkle a little water on top, and let sit for half an hour. Meanwhile, prepare the filling. This time, it was leftover fried ground beef with onions. Originally, it was spiced with a home made taco spice mix, but then I added a bunch of Indian spices, like ajwan seeds, cumin, garam marsala and some stuffed paratha seasoning. Plus some roughly chopped cilantro.

When the dough is ready, pinch off a small ball - maybe 2 inches across. Using more durum flour, roll out of the dough as thin as you can. Top with some of the meat mixture - say 4 heaping teaspoons. Carefully fold the dough closed, so that the meat is totally sealed inside. Sprinkle with more flour and roll is out as thin as you can, trying to stop before the meat pierces the dough. (If it does, it's not a big deal.) Heat some canola oil in a frying pan. When hot, add a paratha. With a spoon, smear a little oil on the top of the paratha. After a minute, flip. Keep frying and flipping until the dough is crispy and browning - the meat will be hot. Consume with yogurt and coriander chutney. Eat too many of them.

The original recipe I have calls for a delicious potato filling - it's a carb explosion, and so good. This is a little more of a meal. I made it with bharta (eggplant) and a small bit of tandoori fish, because I wanted plenty of leftovers. Yum.

Labels: food, holidailies, solo year

posted by Morgan @ 7:46 p.m. 0 comments

I'm dreaming of a (not) white Christmas

How is this December different from last year?

I don't normally take prompts but this one is just so right. This December couldn't be any different if I had tried.

Normally? December kind of sucks. All the shopping, trying to figure out the right things to buy, trying to figure out what to tell people when they say, "what do you want?". All the family stress, trying to balance the demands of family, knowing that no matter what you do it will end in tears for someone. Knowing that there is no physical way you can be there for all the time they want you to be there. Trying to figure out where our celebration has to fit around the family ones. The fighting and crying and passive aggressive shit that happens makes me want to run away, every year. The intervention style lunches where we explain our choices to our mothers. The whole mess. Trying to keep the tree alive, and then picking pine needles out of the shag carpet for ages afterward. Eating too much. Drinking far too much. Feeling Scroogey and grumpy and angry.

And then there is 2007! John isn't around, his father isn't on speaking terms with me, my family has blown off presents and we're headed to a tropical island instead! It really couldn't be better. Well, no, it totally, completely could. John could be here. But he's not - he's 11,268 km away, and there's nothing I can do about that. But: almost no presents, no family juggling, not making someone cry (I hope!), not much stress, and did I mention the tropical beach? The snorkeling? The lack of having to buy presents? The time away? Bliss, I tell you. The fact that we don't have to have 3 giant meals in 24 hours alone (each family set insists) is a mercy. The fact that I can spend the whole time snorkeling instead is just gravy. Tasty, tasty gravy.

Also - instead of worrying about to buy lists, I'm figuring out flights, planning my trip to Bahrain and maybe Qatar to visit John. Instead of bitching about the (rather horrible) weather we've been having, I'm day dreaming of tropical beaches and Arabian deserts. Instead of complaining about how hard it is to make other people happy (or at least stop complaining about our decisions), I'm celebrating how happy I am. Bliss!

So, uh, yeah. Note to self - blow off Christmas more often - it will make you happy.

Labels: family, holidailies, solo year, vacation

posted by Morgan @ 1:58 p.m. 0 comments

Lookback at the 25 in 25 list

Time for a lookback at my 25 in 25 list. (Ah, corporate lingo.) I did much of it, but let's start with the failures, shall we?

Read a classic novel - I read about 200 book and yet didn't read a single one that counts as a classic to be. That's really, really embarrassing.

Make a crazy fancy dessert, just for fun - Wow. That's also a shame. Sure, I made really crazy fancy dinners regularly, but didn't cook much in the way of desserts, period.

Work out at least once every two weeks at home, one way or another - I am ready to take fully half points for this. Since I posted this list, I've been doing dance classes once a week, yoga at the studio once a week, and joined a gym. So for the first part of the year, I was working out at home more, but for the latter, I had no more time. So - half points.

Contact at least 2 friends I have let drift, and meet up with them (Lunch with Ami, Feb) - Yeah, I'm not a good friend. Sorry.

Do a really, really obscene cross stitch - I started it in early November, and am about a quarter finished. It is so, so awesome. Again, half points.

Sent at least one postcard or real letter every month (Dec, Jan, Feb, Mar, Apr, Jun, July, Oct) - Okay, I didn't make it. I got a fair number of letters and cards sent, but not one a month for sure. I did right 14 in October for John, but that doesn't totally count.


And then there is all the shit I did manage to do!

Can or preserve something (two types of pickled beets, a jar of rhubarb chutney and a couple of jars of home made tomato sauce) - I've almost never eaten pickled beets before I made them. (I made them for my boss for Christmas.) They are GOOD! The rhubarb is because John was making cordial, and I stole some of the 20 pounds he had collected (which was in addition to the 15 pounds that went in to making wine earlier in the season. It's only the first full year since the plants were transported. Uh, anyone want some rhubarb next year?). The tomato sauce was after getting some tired romas from a grocery store, and made sauce on a whim. Canning is easy!

Donate money to charity (I am my company's Heart and Stoke Big Bike Coordinator, so I had to donate money. Aug 30; Food Bank via Corporate Challenge. Oct 25; donation for Corporate Matching, Oct 15) - Yeah, I totally did this one.

Do a whole routine for John without talking, forgetting or stopping (Feb 3, baby!) - He giggled the whole time.

Flip upside down on the pole (April 4) - now it's easy.

Stay in shoulderstand for 5 minutes (April 12) - This will never be easy, I don't think.

Stay in headstand comfortably for 5 minutes (April 12, for a relative value of comfort) - Relative is so the right word.

Read an interesting non-fiction, non-biography book (Ghost in the House: Motherhood, Raising Children, and Struggling with Depression by Tracy Thompson; Real Food: What to Eat and Why by Nina Planck; Hardcore Zen: Punk Rock, Monster Movies & the Truth about Reality by Brad Warner; The Bust Guide to the New Girl Order edited by Marcelle Karp and Debbie Stoller; The End of Food: How the Food Industry is Destroying our Food Supply - and What You Can Do About It by Thomas F. Pawlick) - There were a few more after this point, but I stopped being bothered to record them here. So clearly - love fiction, can happily read biographies and memories and essays, and will read the right non-fiction. Just doesn't like Classic Novels with Value. Sigh.

Take a non-fitness class (maybe bookbinding?) (Collapse! Sept - Dec 07) - A fascinating university course. It's all the fun of university learning with none of the hard work!

Make at least three new journals (Jan 2, one book bound, Apr 30, one chocolate log book made, Christmas list book, Nov 15) - Not my best work, perhaps, but done none the less.

Finish writing and get my cookbook printed through Lulu (before Christmas!!) (Dec 7, but won't get it in time for Christmas. Oh well, close enough.) - Amusingly, in November coordinated a cookbook for a family friend, doing pretty much the exact same thing. And it was late too! Not my fault though.

Do the rude Chinese cross stitch (1st one done April, 2nd one done October.) - Now, to frame it.

Pay off Cathy and Vince (May 27, and thank GOD!) - Best thing ever.

Take my parents out for dinner (Dec 8, after Handel’s Messiah, August - Chinese restaurant before the fireworks) - Not really nice dinners, but dinner and entertainment none the less.

Try a new craft (beading?) (Embroidery - I'm doing cute sushi napkins) - I put it down to go back to cross stitching, which I like better. Will finish them eventually.

Suck it up and have Polish Grandmother over for dinner (Mar 29, September 29) - I AM a good person.

Grow a garden - and actually water it this year (Peas and tomatoes and carrots and lettuce and potatoes and strawberries all good things.) - It did... lousy. It wasn't a great summer - too hot in July, too wet in August. I did get fabulous tomatoes though, and the late carrots weren't bad. The potatoes in the pots worked better than in the ground. The wild strawberries in the spring were fabulous. The peas were a weather induced write-off, ditto the beets and Swiss chard. The herbs did well though - especially the 4 foot tall lemon tarragon bush. Next year? I'm thinking tomatoes, potatoes, strawberries and beets again. Plus more tomatoes.

Paint another room of the house (the laundry room, July 07) - With John "about to leave" every week for months, I didn't get any other renos done.

Go to plays, beyond our Theatre Junction subscription (Chicago, Jan 25 FRC company; Famous Puppet Death Scenes, Feb 2, Theatre Junction; The Retreat from Moscow, Feb 7 ATP; Solo: The Doubt within Me, Feb 23 Theatre Junction; Show No. 2, Mar 16 Theatre Junction; Nunsence, Apr 13 Stage West; Unbound, Apr 14 Theatre Junction; The Movement Cabaret, Apr 20 Theatre Junction (outside of subscription); The Underpants, May 16, Workshop Theatre; Twelfth Night, July 17 The Shakespeare Company; Dads, XX, Storybook Theatre; The Full Monty, October 5 Theatre Junction; Cocktales, Nov 9) - I LOVE like theatre.

Have someone over (for dinner?) every month (Dec, Jan, Feb, Mar, Apr, May, Jun, July, Aug, Sept, Oct, Nov) - Look! I'm practically overcoming my social phobias!


I totally did not manage 4 things, I half managed 1, and I started another. Still, I accomplished 19, and with the half points I just decided to give myself, that's 20 out of 25. And of the 4 I missed, I half did 2 of them. So all in all, I think I did pretty good. I'm really glad I wrote this list - it's really made me feel much more accomplished. Now, of course, I have to think of the 26 in 26 list...

Labels: 25 in 25, family, food, garden, holidailies, life, solo year

posted by Morgan @ 10:46 a.m. 3 comments

Baby, it's cold outside

It's so cold out today, so I have completely avoiding leaving the house. Nathan left around 330 this morning(last night?) and Darren and Erin at 10 this morning, and I think that's been the only time the door has even opened. The highest temperature today was -19oc, and that's just to cold to get out of my fleece pyjamas for. I've had three pots of tea, a nap, finished two different books I've been working through, done my laundry, made muffins, done some cross stitch while I watch old Doctor Who from a dvd I rented from the library... It's been simply delightful. Especially after the crazy pace I've been keeping myself at since John left 7 weeks ago. It was bound to catch up with me eventually - I knew that. I am impressed that it took so long. I've really managed to get a lot done, so yay me.

Now - a brand new (library) book and a hot pot of monk's blend tea are calling my name. Time to pile back under some blankets and read until I get hungry enough to start making dinner.

I miss him like crazy, like the constant ache of a phantom limb. I miss him every single day, all the time. But days like today, days were I have no responsibilities to anyone? Well, they're pretty nice, on occasion, I must confess.

Labels: book, boredom, holidailies, solo year, the boy

posted by Morgan @ 5:42 p.m. 1 comments

SO SAD!

It was 21 degrees out today. 21! Warm! Then a cold front blew in and now there is more than a centimetre of snow on the ground, and it's accumulating.

Shit - I'm going to have to shovel snow soon. And I haven't even raked the leaves yet.

This responsible homeowner shit is harder than I thought.


Also hard? The first solo wedding. This past Sunday - John was to have been the best man. First of 3 this next year, I think.

Last week I was fine. Everything was fine. I was fine. I was doing fine. Just fine. Fine, you know? Fine.

This week I am not doing fine. The wedding, some self esteem problems related to any of this, some stupid fucking drama with his family (my stupidity two years ago coming to light, followed by Vince's true feelings about me coming out, with much drama all around), some work stress and did I mention? That the boy's been gone a now a week and counting? And I am not doing fine.

But I am busy. Busy makes it easier. For now? For the whole year? If I am never have a evening free, that will make it easier, right? The fact that I constant calculate the time difference (9 hours difference, so subtract 3 from my time and flip am/pm) constantly will slide, right? I will be able to function with a skin more than 1mm thick?

Labels: garden, house, solo year, the boy, twisty

posted by Morgan @ 11:10 p.m. 1 comments

Truely Retorical

Would I have said yes to this, let alone so easily and without thought, if I had known it would hurt this bad?

Labels: solo year, the boy, twisty

posted by Morgan @ 12:22 a.m. 3 comments